you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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