I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
