He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
