Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
