my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
