This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
