i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
