He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
