well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
