did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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