new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
