I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
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look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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