God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want nice things and good sex
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Please don't give away my fajitas
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
