Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh god the rape fog is back!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
