I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
