Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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