i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
