i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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