SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
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He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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