So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
