i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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