nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
