and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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