If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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