hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
