I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
