I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
