just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
