I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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