I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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