somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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