so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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