i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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