he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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