Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
