So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
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I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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