i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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