there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
