Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
