Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
