Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
