i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
