the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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