you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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