yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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