We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
