The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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