So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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