My liver just broke up with me...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
