Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
