just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
