I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
