Dude my mom stole all your condoms
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
