you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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