Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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