I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
